I went out to take pictures on the west side of the island. The colors were rich and beautiful…more beautiful because with all the dull skies we've been having, I had almost forgotten what evening light could be.
The next day, April 9, was the seventh anniversary of my father’s death, so of course he was on my mind. I remembered how he loved it here and how we loved taking pictures together. I felt grateful and lucky to have had so much time together in such a beautiful place.
I went out in the morning and it was beautiful again. Mornings like this normally make me happy but this time I felt more than raw, more than vulnerable, more like kind of pulverized. I wanted my father to be here.
So I lived with those feelings for the day. It wasn't the best day to have to finish our taxes, but I got them done, well... basically done. Done enough to tidy them up a bit after the Poetry Project this weekend.
I will try to say how it is for me. When my father died, there was a gathering of forces. There were so many changes inside of me. Deep, deep rearrangements. What had been external to me - things that I had known about my father - were now inside of me. There is loneliness in losing my father and sometimes I miss him so much, especially when I'm taking pictures, but there is also a sense of wholeness, and also some strength or courage, maybe. My life, that started with my mother and him, and is grounded in them, is taking its own direction.
My father was at his best in nature. He took delight in every little thing that happened, every little thing he found. When a wave was splashing or falling, he wanted to open his mouth and taste it. I feel all of that, alive and well inside of me, and growing. And his eyes were exactly the color of the ocean. And those are my eyes also.
PS. My friend Karen Capuciati and her sister Kim have a wonderful blog called, "In Care of Dad." It's about caring for loved ones in the face of serious illness. They have published an excerpt from my blog in their post this week. Their blog is a wonderful resource. You can find it at incareofdad.com or here.
PPS. I like this picture. I took it the same night as the first ones but it was too big to fit up at the top of this post. I didn't want to leave it out so I'm putting it here. I also want to mention that the evening pictures are from the same place as the pictures for the blog post, "Wilson and Molly and the Wind". That was back in January. What a difference kinder weather can make.